Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Black Adam

To all the sucka-ass sucka DC fans out there, your ol' pal Cinemavenger feels your pain. I don't have a dog in the DC vs. Marvel fight because I've always been too busy getting laid and partying like a rock star to read, let alone collect, comic books, but that doesn't mean that I don't enjoy some comic book movies. And fuck me if they aren't basically the only kind of movies getting released these days.

DC may have been getting its unitard handed to it by Marvel for the past 15 years or so, but don't lose hope, you hapless DC bastards. Never forget that in the 1980s and 1990s DC owned the multiplex with its Superman and Batman franchises while Marvel cranked out one money-losing piece of shit after the next. And the cracks are already showing over in the MCU, so, just hang in there for another twenty years, give or take, and DC will be teabagging Marvel once again.

For now, though, DC is farther from making good movies than George "Ass Hat" Santos is to the truth. Even when they get one of the biggest names of the day, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, to star. That's right, Black Adam is an absolute clusterfuck.

Johnson is known for being likeable. So what does DC do? They make his Black Adam a sad sack, scowling, downer machine. He's as much fun as a raging case of the herp. And yes, nerds, I know he's supposed to be a "bad guy," but no matter how many time he says that he's not a hero - and he says it every five minutes or so - we all know that he is, in fact, a hero. He's a fucking Shazam, for everyone, like me, who didn't know that going in!

The Ancient Object of Great Importance that drives the whole movie has been lost for generations . . . even though the good guys find it in plain sight just inside a cave that's a short walk from a main road. I mean, if the writers, producers, and director want to piss in the audience's face with bullshit like that, they can't act fucking surprised when their movie flops harder than a professional soccer player.

From its thrift shop tomb raider to its B-Team Justice League to its "Radical dude!" teenage skateboarder, Black Adam make the wrong decision. Every. Fucking. Time.

February 24, 2023