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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Bird Box


"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush," is an old-timey saying that dates back to the earliest days of porn.  It was muttered sarcastically by one exhausted, cum-covered actress to another to acknowledge the sisterhood of the traveling snatch, of women who knew damn good and well that a DP scene pays a buttload (ha!) more than a handjob scene.


Today's equivalent aphorism might be, "One viral marketing campaign is worth 100 TV commercials."  Just ask Netflix.  Its latest gotta-watch-it original, Bird Box, joins Stranger Things, Narcos, and Kevin Spacey era House of Cards on the list of Netflix movies and shows people categorically refuse to shut the fuck up about.


In case you've been jogging along next to China's rover on the dark side of the Moon, Bird Box is an end of the world horror flick starring Sandra "How Do You Keep The Bulls In The Pen?" Bullock, half a dozen other famous and semi-famous actors you'll recognize but not be able to name, and some unseen monsters.


Seriously, you never actually see a monster in Bird Box.  Instead, you get some shadows and windblown leaves.  I've taken scarier shits.


The monsters make anyone who sees them instantly commit suicide.  Well, almost anyone.  It transforms some random percentage of the population into psycho acolytes driven to sacrifice others by making them look at the monsters.  To survive, Bullock and the two, young kids she has in tow, set off down a river - blindfolded - in hopes of finding a sanctuary that's somehow monster free.  Flashbacks fill in how she came by the kids, learned the blindfold trick, and decided to play blind woman's bluff with some Class 5 rapids.


If you're thinking that Bird Box sounds a fuckload like last year's surprise hit, A Quiet Place, then stop, drop and roll 'cuz you're on fire.  In that movie people couldn't make a sound.  In this one they can't see.  What's next?  I've got five bucks on Hold Your Nose.  Tagline: He who smelt it . . . dies.


January 10, 2019