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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Bill & Ted Face the Music


Oh 2020, you fickle bitch. On top of Covid, half the world burning with forest fires, the other half flooded by a record hurricane season, a U.S. election that is still officially undecided weeks after the polls closed, and murder hornets, you shit another unwanted, unearned, unnecessary sequel into our already agape mouths. Fuck you.


Bill & Ted Face the Music is the second sequel to 1989's idiot valley boy, time travel comedy. The first sequel came out back in 1991. Why anyone with any IQ higher than their dick length thought the world needed more of Bill S. Preston, Esq. (Alex "Yeah It's Coming" Winter) and Ted Logan (Keanu "Secret Drug Habit?" Reeves) is as far beyond me as the Orion Nebula. And, for the record, I'm beginning to think that Bill isn't actually an attorney.


In the first movie, the two barely-functional morons journeyed back in time to collect historical figures in order not to flunk out of high school because if they did their band, Wyld Stallyns, would break up and never write the song destined to unite the world in peace and harmony. In the second movie, Bill and Ted died, faced off against evil robot versions of themselves, and seemingly finally played the song they were destined to play to usher in utopia on Earth.


So why in the fuck does Bill & Ted Face the Music want us believe that the now middle-aged fathers still haven't written the song they were destined to - and already did - write and perform for the entire world? If they'd pulled a Terminator and outright said they were totally disregarding the first sequel, fine, but that ain't the color of this shit biscuit.


They've either been CGI-ing Reeves younger in all his other recent flicks, or they CGI-ed him way older in this one, because he looks like absolute hell. It doesn't help that he smiles maybe three times during the flick. I'm not sure what Winter has been up to over the past nearly 20 years, but it wasn't honing his craft. At least he seems to be having a good time. Maybe he blackmailed Reeves into doing B&T 3, and that's why Reeves looks as happy to be there as at a colonoscopy?


November 20, 2020