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Better Watch Out

Xmas in August? Why the fuck not? The Rona has made the calendar meaningless, so ol' Cinemavenger thought, "What better way is there to forget about all the Covid cuntpuntery for 90 minutes or so than to curl up with an Xmas movie you've never seen before?" It turns out that virtually anything would have been better than watching the flaming reindeer splooge that is Better Watch Out.

Billed as a "babysitter has to deal with an increasingly bizarre home invasion" movie, Better Watch Out is really a faux psycho horror flick no one should ever subject themselves to. If you're too drunk, high, or stupid to heed that advice, be warned that there be spoilers ahead.

Lucas (Levi "Strauss" Miller) is weeks away from becoming a teenager but apparently still needs a babysitter. That babysitter, Ashley (Olivia "Ding Dong" DeJonge), is a smoke show who sometimes seems to be going for babysitter of the year and other times is a nanny cam away from being blacklisted throughout the 'burbs.

What Olivia doesn't realize is that Lucas has a huge crush on her . . . and is a psychopath. With the help of his dweebie friend, Garrett (Ed "Olly Olly" Oxenbould), Lucas stages an armed home invasion thinking that scaring Ashley is a surefire panty dropper. As soon as Ashley sees through the ruse, Lucas knocks her out, duct tapes her to a chair, and proceeds to sexually assault her.

A lazier critic would call Better Watch Out a lump of coal, but coal has actual value while this flick isn't worth a shit, let alone a hunk of carbon that can heat your house or power an engine. Who the hell green lit a story about a 12-year-old trying to fuck his babysitter - a babysitter older enough than him that if she did ride his kiddieland bone train it'd be statutory rape - then kidnapping and molesting her before killing a bunch of random people all while somehow thinking he'll get away with it?

Not funny enough to be a comedy, not scary enough to be a horror movie, and with less to do with Xmas than a hot August day, Better Watch Out should be as welcome on your gift list as Ebola.

August 21, 2020