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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Baywatch?  Are you fucking kidding me?!  After colostomy bag-loads like The Dukes of Hazzard, The A-Team and two Charlie's Angels, what did audiences do to deserve another movie adaptation of a shit TV show from the days of yore?  If the answer isn't, "Kidnapped and tortured Hollywood's mother, on Mother's Day, in front of Hollywood while it sat there with snot streaming down its face as it wept, begging for mercy." then Hollywood is just a sadistic sonuvabitch.

Baywatch, the 80s through early Aughts TV "drama" about sexy lifeguards solving crimes and mysteries week after week in between protracted bouts of slo-mo jogging, became a parody of itself about 20 minutes into its first episode.  Sure, it filled the wank banks of countless 12-year-old boys (and, possibly, girls), but beyond that it had less justification for existing than a politician's promise.  Or Fight Club 2.

Note to aspiring filmmakers everywhere:  if you're going to make a parody of a parody, you have to, and this is the really important part, make it fucking funny!  The two huge Chinese companies behind Baywatch obviously didn't get the memo.  They hired Seth "Flash" Gordon to direct.  Gordon's resume is a lowlights reel of laughless fucktastrophes.  Four Christmases, Horrible Bosses, Identity Thief, the two worst episodes of the otherwise superb Parks and Recreation.  This guy is to comedy as a nun is to gangbangs.

Gordon's so inept he gives away the two "surprise" cameos by David "Drunk Cheeseburger" Hasselhoff and Pamela "Tits" Anderson in the opening credits, so it's no wonder that Baywatch can't muster a chuckle or guffaw let alone an actual laugh.  Even the usually crowd-pleasing Dwayne "Big" Johnson can't choke a chortle from any of the most-forced one-liners ever to make it to the big screen.

The Rock gets no help from Zac "And Cody" Efron, Ilfenesh "Gesundheit" Hadera, Kelly "Bundy" Rohrbach, Jon "Who?" Bass or Rob "Children's Hospital" Huebel.  Even the reality-distortingly sexy, actually-a-solid-actress Alexandra "The Great" Daddario looks totally lost.  You can see it in her hauntingly beautiful eyes.  She couldn't believe she was in Baywatch . . . while she was filming the fucking thing.

Worst of all, Baywatch squanders its R-rating on a bunch of "fucks" and a shot of some dead guy's dick.  Boo!  No booooooobs!

March 26, 2017