Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

The Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU), filled with the likes of Iron Man, Captain America, Thor and Black Widow, has been muffstuffing multiplexes to the tune of BILLIONS of dollars with its feather-light standalone and Avengers cash cows.

You can't blame DC for wanting in on some of that sweet, sweet superhero green.  So what does it do?  Like a Whopper to a Big Mac, it jumps on Marvel's dick.  Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, which showcases Batman (Ben "Nanny Fucker" Affleck), Superman (Henry "Teen Fucker" Cavill) and Wonder Woman (Gal "Please Let It Be Me Fucker" Gadot), not only elegantly illustrates the "equal and opposite reaction" bit from Newtonian physics but also kicks off DC's Avengers-wannabe Justice League franchise.

Dawn of Justice.  Get it?  GET IT?!!

Before the first scene - yet another rehash of Bruce Wayne's parents getting murdered and Brucie discovering his spirit animal - is over, it's plainer than a cheese pizza how DC plans to set its superhero universe apart from Marvel's.  Where Marvel's flicks are the class clown, DC's will be the angst-ridden emo chick who cuts herself.

No bullshit.  Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice couldn't be more serious if it was a doctor breaking it to a toddler that he has three weeks to live.

Which, maybe, could be forgiven if it told a solid story about exciting characters, but it comes as close to doing that as a Hindu does to a hamburger.  Main baddie Lex Luthor's ("Uncle" Jesse Eisenberg) motivations and machinations make less than zero sense.  The whole "Batman and Superman don't like each other" subplot (and it is a subplot despite being the title of the fucking movie) relies completely on the two of them never talking to one another for ten seconds and sorting out their misunderstandings.  And Wonder Woman's nothing but a sequel-bait afterthought.

BvS:DoJ has more dream sequences than a Nightmare on Elm Street movie.  And yeah, most of the coolest stuff you saw in the trailers comes from these, so it's shit that doesn't even really happen. 

In a grab for "real world" gravitas, Bats v Supes features cameos by all sorts of news celebs.  I couldn't give less of a fuck about seeing media whores like Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper and Soledad O'Brien "reporting" on a unitard-wearin' alien and a psychotic billionaire vigilante, but shame on Neil deGrasse Tyson for showing up.  I hope the free t-shirt was worth tarnishing your rep, you brilliant, chubby Chia Pet.

If only DC had tried to out-Marvel Marvel and gone all South Park with Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.  They could've called it Orphan Fight!, and it might actually have been some fun.

March 27, 2016