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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Call the hookers and break out the blow, ball gags, and bourbon, because we did it, bitches! We finally did it! Actually make money off of this site? Well, no. Get noticed enough for studios to send screeners of new releases so that we don't have to see movies in movie theaters like suckers? Nope, not that either. BUT WE DID HIT 400 MOTHERFUCKIN' REVIEWS!  That's right, baby! This review of the billion dollar, blonde bimbo behemoth that is Barbie is the 400th labor of lusty, crusty love from your ol' pal, Cinemavenger. Recognize!

And unlike Margot "On With Yo Bad Self" Robbie's Barbie, ain't nobody at Cinemavenger having any existential crises. Oh yeah, in case you're one of the six people on the planet who hasn't seen the flick, there's no bland as a cracker G.I. Joe jingoism or Transformers blow-uperry. Instead, Barbie herself - well, one of many Barbies herselves - basically goes down the midlife rabbit hole complete with cellulite and nagging thoughts that nothing really matters.

After visiting Morpheus, I mean "Weird Barbie" (Kate "Who Else" McKinnon), "Stereotypical" Barbie travels from the dream house and drop top-filled paradise of Barbie Land to the real world. Ken (Ryan "Air" Gosling) goes along for the ride, and when the two arrive there (here?) they get smacked in the face with sexism, patriarchy, and ten other things you'd lose every bet would ever be in a Barbie movie.

Director and co-writer Greta "Indie Darling Made Good" Gerwig has had a rich kid's toy box amount of praise heaped on her for Barbie, and she deserves every bit of it. Sure, the "sexism is bad, m'kay" message is as basic as a bridge and tunnel chick and shouted louder than a drunk uncle going off on "those people" at Xmas dinner, but this is a movie about a fucking doll, so what in the name of Hungry Hungry Hippos did you expect?

Did I mention that this is Cinemavenger's 400th review? Yes I fucking did, and I'm goddamn doing it again. If someone out there notices us (I'm looking at you, random celebrity tweet), or if Rotten Tomatoes ever decides to list us on their site (not bloody likely, it seems), there could be another 400 reviews on the way. Until then, a new review each week is probably a thing of the past. New reviews every so often? Sure. After all you get what you pay for . . . or don't.


December 1, 2023