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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Bad Santa


You want to talk about getting your stocking stuffed? Or shooting a load down a chimney? Because butt sex is on top of the naughty Bad Santa's nice list, and if that doesn't tell you what type of twisted, gross-out, nasty mufuckin' Xmas movie it is, than you're dumber than a lump of coal.


A miserable prick of an alcoholic safecracker, Willie (Billy Bob "The Ex-Mr. Jolie" Thornton), teams up with foul-mouthed, African American little person, Marcus (Tony "Big Black" Cox), every year to burgle a different department store on Xmas Eve. Willie pretends to be a mall Santa while Marcus plays his elf. The two use their time in Santaland to case the store and draw up their plans to liberate all the cold, Xmas cash from its safe so they can live off the plunder for the next year.


After the heist that opens the flick, Willie vows to quit drinking and use his half of the take to leave the criminal life behind and maybe even find some happiness. When next Xmas rolls around, Willie is still the worthless piece of shit he's always been, so he meets Marcus in Arizona to run the scam again.


Despite being the biggest asshole this side of a gay porn set, Willie finds himself two equally improbable Phoenix area friends. First, he gets a fuck buddy in Sue (Lauren "Alexander" Graham), a hot, young bartender with a Santa fetish and extremely questionable taste in men. Next, a literally snot-nosed, borderline retarded (the movie's word) kid (Brett "Favre" Kelly), gloms onto him, and Willie ends up crashing at the kid's suburban - and almost entirely adult unsupervised - home.


The store manager, Bob Chipeska (John "RIP" Ritter), thinks a booze-reeking, constantly-swearing, changing room ass-rammer might not be the best choice for his mall Santa, so he gets the store's security chief, Gin (Bernie "RIP" Mac), do find him an excuse to fire Willie. Because apparently being an abusive, drunk mall Santa isn't enough cause in the great state of Arizona.


It's a fucking Xmas movie, so Willie gets a redemptive arc. Well, maybe not so much an arc as a carpet wrinkle. Which mostly works, because if Bad Santa had tried to go all It's a Wonderful Life it would've been as believable as a fat fuck serial B&E guy delivering presents to every kid in the world in just one night.


December 18, 2020