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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Bad Santa 2


Twas a month before Xmas, Thanksgiving in fact,

And the turkey wasn't cold before Xmas attacked.

Fuck family and thanks and blue skies so sunny,

Hollywood is a junkie, and its fix is mo' money.


13 years back, Bad Santa descended,

And with vomit and ass sex the box office upended.

Now some suit needs a Rolls or to pay off the maid.

Whatever the reason, his ass gots to get paid.


"Get me Billy Bob, that Black dwarf and a brand new director,

But fuck Lauren Graham; I hear TV has wrecked her.

Kathy Bates says she'll do it (plus she gargled my splooge),

And call the redhead from Mad Men, the one with huge boobs."


They spent nothing on writers, cuz quality don't matter,

Just asses in seats to make bank accounts fatter.

They recycled the first script adding nothing much new.

And wouldn't you know it?  Bad Santa 2 blew!


It's a big lump of coal in a red Xmas stocking.

Sex, swear words and violence are meant to be shocking.

But it's lazy and half-assed and Tiny Tim lame.

It doesn't even show titties; it's that fucking tame!


Willie's still looking for some BB-dub lovin',

That is, when he doesn't have his head in an oven.

But guess what - he's not nearly as drunk as last time,

And it even seems like he's lost his stomach for crime.


Bad Santa 2 ain't what you'd call witty,

But it does rhyme with that . . . it's totally shitty.

It's worse than a poke in the eye with a stick.

Everybody involved should eat huge bags of dicks.


Producers, director, stars, writers and more,

You're all just a sleighful of overpaid whores.

If this were The Simpsons you'd get "Ha Ha'd!" by Muntz,

Cinemavenger prefers to say, "Fuck off, you cunts!"


December 2, 2016