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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Avengers: Infinity War

Fuck bringing a knife to a gunfight.  Avengers: Infinity War brings a potato peeler to a nuke fight.  What use are super strength, enchanted hammers, vibranium shields, machine guns, spears, mad martial arts skills and magic against an all-powerful weapon that can control reality itself?  The answer, it turns out, is:  less than a colander as a condom.

The aforementioned ultimate weapon is called the Infinity Gauntlet.  Thanos (Josh "Anne" Brolin) plans to use it to kill half the people in the universe in order to end overpopulation and all the pesky starvation, strife and suffering problems that go along with it.  Which makes Thanos the biggest dick around because if the Infinity Guantlet can do literally anything he could just give everybody more resources or fewer needs - like no one ever getting cold or hungry and free terabit Wi-Fi all around - instead of killing half of everyone.  Just spitballin'.

Yuppers, Thanos is definitely a Phallus Majoris.  His nutsack of a chin is all the proof anyone needs of that.

Thanos has to gather six Infinity Stones to power his Where's the Love Glove.  Pretty much every hero, sidekick and random passerby from the past 10 years of Marvel flicks - Avengers, Guardians of the Galaxy, etc. - shows up to try to stop him - mostly by punching him in the balls/face.  If you haven't seen all those movies and/or completed your PhD in Marvel Mythology at Marvel University, don't even bother trying to figure out what's going on.  You'll be more lost than the Great Azure Globules wandering the Red Wastes for half an eon searching for the Pon of Tam after being stricken by the evil Menstruella's spell.

Speaking of bloated, there are more characters crammed into Infinity War than there are crosses in a convent.  And the motherfucker is two hours and forty bladder-bursting minutes long, which means each one of your favorite leoretards gets about five minutes of screen time.  So satisfying.

What does it say about a ginormo superhero epic when the most memorable thing about it was the use of Adam and the Ants' "Ant Invasion" in the Ant-Man and the Wasp preview?  It says loads.  Great, gleaming, Thanos' scroto-chin-sized loads.

April 27, 2018