Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Atomic Blonde

If you hire a hooker to clean your house you shouldn't be surprised when your dick gets wet but your house stays dirty.  Or if you have a performance artist babysit your toddler you fully expect to come home to menstrual blood-smeared, anti-Trump-sloganed walls and years of nightmares and therapy bills for your little one.

So when I tell you that a former stuntman, David "And Goliath" Leitch, directed Atomic Blonde you don't get any gold stars for guessing that the fight scenes soar higher than a tweaking eagle but the plot loses its way faster than a blind tour guide.

Because Charlize "A Minnelli" Theron plays a hot ass, badass, smokingly stoic, beautifully brutal secret agent, the Interwebs have been atwitter with calls for her - or some similarly situated slit - to be the next James Bond.  Jane Bond, if you will.  Or, you know, someone could create a brand-spankin' new character, written as female and possibly actually into spanking, who could give Bond a run for his money.  A character not unlike Theron's Lorraine Broughton in Atomic Blonde.  Sure, "Broughton.  Lorraine Broughton." doesn't tumble off the tongue quite as nimbly as Bond's signature salutation, but the sequels practically write themselves.  Atomic Redhead.  Atomic Brunette.  Atomic Blue.

Most people give up on their bodies when they hit 30, so "Hip!" to Theron who at 42 is still fit, firm and fully fuckable.  And "Hip!" for her still being willing to put her chemise chinchillas up on the big screen for all to see and slobber over.  And while we're at it how about a resounding "Hooray!" for going the full Maggie and locking both sets of lips with her lesbian love interest played by Sophia "Pop" Boutella.

Atomic Blonde will make you believe that Theron can crack skulls and punch throats with the best of 'em as she struts sassily yet sulkily around 1989 Berlin searching for some bullshit that doesn't really matter.  She also tries to figure out if her main contact, David Percival (James "Stompin' At The" McAvoy), is a double agent.  Which is also a bunch of bullshit that doesn't matter.

Atomic Blonde a/k/a Bang, Bang, Boobs, Punch

July 28, 2017