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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Assassin's Creed

You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not be a fucking tease.

Not if you're on a date.  Not if you're interviewing people for a job.  Not if you're making out your will.  Not if you're telling someone who's never seen it about Game of Thrones.  Not if you're dangling a baby over a pit of crocodiles.  Not even if you're doing your hair.

I'm not saying that rape or arson or murder are appropriate responses to getting teased by a shit-hearted teaser, but why press your luck, right?  Why cast magma-hot sexpots as strippers and then keep them fully clothed on and off stage?  Natalie Portman showed less skin than a 1950s bikini in Closer.  Jessica Alba might as well have been fucking Amish in both Sin City movies.  And Jennifer Aniston flashed nary a nip, let alone a lip, in We're the Millers.


Staying in the realm of sex, 'cuz why not, Assassin's Creed is a lousy lay.  It goes at it hard and fast until you're just about to blow the juiciest of loads, and then it stops dead and lays there motionless looking at you like, "Yeah?  What?"  Then it starts up again, slower than a hypothermic turtle, like it's not even interested in whether you cum or not, and just as you're barely starting to get a little tingly again, barely glimpsing a hint of the little death far off on the horizon, it jumps into jackhammer mode and pounds you like you owe it money.

Staying with the orgasm motif, let's face fucking facts. (Heh, heh.)  No movie that ever bore the label, "Based on a popular video game series." has been a curl your toes, roll your eyes back, explode into the infinite, sheet-soaker.  Resident Evil was good.  That's about as close as they come. (Ha!)  Assassin's Creed ends up somewhere between Super Mario Bros. and Tomb Raider, which is to say, "Meh."

The Catholic Church via the Knights Templar, now in the form of a big corporation, is trying to locate an ancient artifact called the Apple of Eden so it can use it to eradicate free will and literally control everyone on Earth.  The Assassins are a group sworn to thwart the Pope-lovers and keep free will free.

The big brain, Sofia (Marion "Ette" Cotillard), at the big corporation uses a big mechanical arm hooked to a big computer to forcibly "regress" Cal (Michael "Knight" Fassbender) into the genetic memories of his Assassin ancestor from 1492 who may or may not have known where the Apple of Eden was . . . more than 500 years ago.

Yeah, it's all the rubbiest of rubbish, and for being a movie about assassins it's pretty fucking bloodless.

Assassin's Creed is the gift that never starts giving.

December 24, 2016