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Army of the Dead


Zack "Attack" Snyder may be one of the biggest names in Hollyweird, but the motherfucker hasn't made a good movie since 2009. Yes, I'm talking about Watchmen, which I know a lot of people hate, but I dug it well enough, especially after grooving big time to the abs and sandals insanity of Snyder's 300.


After the fun of those two flicks, I would've bet you good money that Sucker Punch was going to rock like Zeppelin. Instead, it rolled like a teenager struggling with his first joint. What a fucking mess! Color me eternally optimistic, but I figured it was a blip. I couldn't have been more wrong.


From there, Snyder dove into the DC universe, and we all know how that's been going. Bad, meet worse. After fucking up a Superman movie and a Batman and Superman movie, the studio machine still let him make DC's first team up superhero stomp, Justice League. For truly tragic reasons, Snyder had to bow out mid-production, and the Frankenstein's monster was finished by Joss "Real Name Joseph" Whedon.


I wish my friends and family were as forgiving as DC, because they let Snyder remake his own version of JL. It clocks in at four ass-numbing hours, and it's no better than the craptastic original. Maybe it's that, or Covid, or who knows what, but Snyder's latest is a Netflix original, which has to be a demotion, right? And like all his other recent efforts, Army of the Dead is about 90% shit.


After the zombie apocalypse hits Las Vegas, the gummint walls the city off. A heist crew led by Dave "'s Not Here Man" Bautista's Scott Ward is hired to sneak into the zombie zone to retrieve hundreds of millions of dollars from a casino vault. That premise is the most believable thing about this rotting corpse of movie.


When their guide leads them through the wall into zombieland, she leaves the door to the outside world hanging open. The crew has to sneak through the wall because they can't fly in, but flying out - which is their plan - is totally copacetic somehow. When Ward's daughter runs off to find her friend, she has to search an entire hotel (um, ok) that was filled with zombies until five minutes before she arrives, which is pretty much the definition of unbelievable . . . or shitty filmmaking.


May 28, 2021