Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Aquaman


Do you think "sea monkey" is like the n-word for brine shrimp?  If it is, have the shrimp "taken it back" yet?  Do they say things to each other like, "What's up, my sea monkey?"  That's just one example of the oceans of questions that are more interesting than anything Aquaman has to offer.


Most people who give two shits about comic book superheroes would agree that Aquaman has always been the whipping boy of the Justice League, DC's answer to Marvel's Avengers.  That there could ever even be an Aquaman movie is such a running joke in the industry that it was a major, wink-wink plot point in Entourage.  That's why DC is trying harder than a priest at a preschool to make Aquaman cool by fake tatting up Jason "The Flyin' Hawaiian" Momoa and filling his mouth with brotastic dialogue like, "You're a total dick, dude!" 


DC may be aiming for the Redheaded Stranger, but Aquaman will always be a redheaded stepchild, and Aquaman will always be a footnote to the increasingly ass-hammered DC Extended Universe.  Is it more fun than the latest Bats and Justice League flicks?  Sure, but so is bedazzling your scrotum or pussy lips, so there's that.


If Aquaman stole even an Ant-Man-sized turd's more from recent Marvel flicks, it would already have a process server lurking in its bushes waiting to hand it Disney's copyright infringement lawsuit.  Wakanda gets sacked first.  Aquaman's Atlantis is a secret, technologically advanced civilization . . . that somehow still thinks that a fistfight - or trident fight - is the best way to choose a king.  Then Thor: Ragnarok gets got.  Aquaman "boasts" the same aw-shucks-bro-vibe, the same psychedelic sights and sounds, and the same gladiator battle in a gladiator arena.


Aquaman doesn't tread water there, though.  There's a sword in the stone bit and, well, Aquaman's human name, straight outta Camelot.  An octopus plays the drums a la The Little Mermaid.  The king's guard are kissin' cousins to the Praetorian Guard, red outfits and all, from the last Star Wars movie.  And, I kid you not, it also cribs from Starship Troopers, The Karate Kid and Ant-Man and the Wasp.


Amber "Mis" Heard plays Aquaman's love interest, and Patrick "WILSON!" Wilson plays the main villain.  Heard may be hot, but she couldn't act her way into a paper bag, and a hiccupping kitten would make for a scarier Big Bad than Wilson.


December 21, 2018

Cinemark Cinemas
T-Shirt Hell
Punk Tacos HD Radio Station
ThinkGeek
The Chive