Ant-Man and the Wasp
He's a post-op transsexual who loves his sister's kids. She's a god-fearing, Mercedes-driving soccer mom named Buffy. Together they are Aunt-Man and the WASP.
Not for nothing, but that shit idea for a buddy flick would fly circles around the Ant-Man and the Wasp that buzzed fucknoyingly into theaters this week. Other than being less fun, less funny and tons dumber, it's a perfectly serviceable sequel to 2015's Ant-Man.
Where's a giant magnifying glass when you need one? Sure, a regular-sized magnifying glass would be enough to fry Ant-Man (Paul "Dud" Rudd) when he's tiny but what about when he's 75 feet tall and using flatbed trucks as scooters?
The only good thing about Ant-Man and the Wasp is that Evangeline "What's Up Tiger" Lilly gets more than the ant hill's worth of screentime she got the first time around. At 38, Lilly is still drag race tailpipe hot, and she acts circles around Rudd and company. She's come a long way since her 900-number, sex talk commercial days shilling for Live Links.
Ant-Man and the Wasp is a rescue movie. Lilly's Wasp and her dad, Dr. Pym (Michael "Buster" Douglas), spring Ant-Man from his post-Civil War house arrest to help them rescue the original Wasp (Michelle "Pfied" Pfeiffer) from the subatomic Quantum Realm. But at this point in the MCEww's metastasization one plot ain't nearly enough. So, Ant-Man and the Wasp piles on a pure 1950s sitcom subplot about Ant-Man's ex-con misfit pals having to nail a presentation and land a big client to save their fledgling security business.
But wait! There's more! A phase-shifting baddie called Ghost (Hannah "Big" John-Kamen) keeps fucking with Ant-Man and crew because . . . random bullshit. And Pym's old partner, Foster (Laurence "Here Fishy" Fishburne), has a score to settle. Plus, a restaurateur/black marketeer (Walton "The World" Goggins) keeps trying to steal Pym's tech.
The biggest question in this tiny movie is how in the infinitesimal fuck did Pfeiffer's Wasp find cloth to make her Obi-Wan robe while she was trapped for decades in the Quantum Realm? And, for that matter, why?
If that's your superhero movie's biggest question, your superhero movie sucks. Big time.
July 6, 2018