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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Angel Heart

Cinemavenger's Parenting Tip o' the Week:  If you're trying to keep your kid from doing something - picking their nose, refusing to eat spinach, smoking crack - just show them before and after pics of Mickey Rourke and tell them the after pic is what happens if they do the thing you don't want them to do.  I guaran-fucking-tee it'll work.*

Holy plastic surgery nightmare, Batman!  How does a guy go from being so hot he could play the "hero" dom to Kim "What Do You Call Someone Who Croons By The Water?" Basinger's sub in the wildly popular, mainstream D/s fantasy 9 1/2 Weeks to being so monstrous that his face could be the top-selling Halloween mask of all time?

Whelp, it started when Rourke's acting career blew up too fast, and he decided he needed a bigger challenge than being a Hollywood superstar.  So, of course, he became a professional boxer.  After having his face rearranged by his opponents, he apparently chose his plastic surgeon on a dare by throwing darts at a Ouija board.

Rourke has always had serious acting chops, so it's no wonder he eventually made a Downey Jr.-esque comeback as Marv in Sin City before playing opposite Iron Man himself in the second one of those flicks.  Back when Rourke was both talented and sexy as fuck, he did some of his best work in the horror-thriller-suspense-mystery Angel Heart, a movie that is 10 million times scarier than any story about a possessed doll, haunted house, or long-haired Asian chick climbing out of a well.

Rourke's Harry Angel is a New Yawk private detective hired by a rich guy (Robert De Niro "Fiddled While Rome Burned") to find a missing singer.  The search takes Angel from grimy NYC to steamy - and also grimy - New Orleans.  Among other colorful characters, Angel meets Epiphany Proudfoot (Lisa "How The French Pronounce Boner") Bonet and proceeds to fuck the former Cosby kid like she was Carre Otis on a mattress full of smack.  The people of 1987 almost rioted over Bonet showing her tits.  Fucking prudes.

With a tone as dark as a sadist's soul and a twist wickeder than Chuck Berry's, Angel Heart is guaranteed to freak you the fuck out this Halloween.*


October 25, 2019

*This is not a guarantee