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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

American Sniper

You know what happens when you selectively "print the legend?"  You end up with the fucking Bible, and the past 2000 years of human history have proven beyond a shadow of a Crusadin', witch-burnin', gay-bashin', altar-boy-diddlin' doubt that that's about as smart an idea as sticking your dick in a wood chipper.

Whether he picked it up from reading "the good book" or watching The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, Clint Eastwood is definitely a printer of selective legends.  From Invictus to  J. Edgar to Jersey Boys, Eastwood has shown clearer than jizz under a CSI UV light that he can't be bothered with trifling things like facts and history when it comes to filming a "true" story. 

His latest directorial effort, American Sniper, cements Eastwood as America's crotchety grandpa telling and retelling tales that grow taller every time.  But he was Dirty Harry and Philo Beddoe and Josey Wales, so everybody just nods and smiles and is thankful they don't have to empty his colostomy bag.  I guess with him being 84 years old we should all simply be happy that his movies aren't filled with the kind of casual racism most octogenarians spew like it was still 1953.

Well, other than Gran Torino

American Sniper is based on the autobiography of Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in which he recounts his four tours in Iraq.  And the time he punched out Jesse "The Body/Former Governer" Ventura in a bar.  And the time he killed two guys who were trying to carjack him and the cops patted him on the back for unluckying the punks.  And the time he was secretly contracted to snipe looters in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.

While no one questions that Kyle was one bad ass motherfucker and that he saved scores of American lives as he racked up more than 160 confirmed kills in Iraq, a lot of people dispute his other larger-than-life claims, claims that might make you wonder whether Kyle was not only a Grade A hero but also a delusional fame-seeker or, at a minimum, an unapologetic self-mythologizer. 

American Sniper isn't concerned with any parts of Kyle other than the dutiful SEAL and dedicated family man, and its all saint and no sinner approach makes it a lie of omission.  Star Bradley Cooper gets to bulk up and try on a Texas twang in a desperate attempt to show that he's more than just a pretty face, and Eastwood gets to wash the taste of the shitsicle that was Jersey Boys out of everyone's mouth, but American Sniper ends up in a deploy-return-repeat loop with delusions of profundity when it's actually about as deep as a kiddie pool.

To quote Kyle himself, "Fucking savages."

January 18, 2015