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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Who the fuck chooses to live in Alabama?  I mean, aside from fans of a good ol' brother-sister-greased-pig three-way, morbid obesity, chain-smoking and tornado-dodging?  For fuck's sake, the state song is the banjo music from Deliverance!  Is it really any surprise, then, that the movie theater that's refusing to show the new, live action Beauty and the Beast because one of the supporting characters, LeFou, is gay calls 'Bama its sweet home?  Nope, no more so than those inbred fuckwits getting their shit-stained overalls in a bunch about a make-believe gay guy in a movie that gives two, big thumbs up to bestiality. 

As I am not a homophobe, a fan of cross-species softcore or, to the best of my knowledge, the father of a young girl, I will not be seeing Beauty and the Beast.  Well, all those reasons and because I heard they cut the five-minutes of spread-eagled Emma Watson diddling herself with Lumiere.

So instead of a fairy tale castle, this week we journey to North Africa and England during WWII with the flight of not-so-fancy, Allied.  If the universe had a strong sense of justice or a halfway decent sense of humor, Angelina Jolie would've divorced Brad Pitt because he fell in love with and fucked the French out of his Allied costar, Marion "Ross" Cotillard . . . just like he did to Angie when they were filming Mr. and Mrs. Smith and he was married to Jennifer Aniston.   Sadly, the universe couldn't give less of a fuck about celebrities, current events, you or me.

Besides, if Pitt ever needed incontrovertible proof that he absolutely, positively did not bump ugglies with Cotillard, all he'd need to do is show a clip of the two of them in Allied.  They have less chemistry than a sound wave.  But hey, at least Allied isn't a love story that lives or dies on how much we believe Cotillard and Pitt ache for each other.  Oh, wait.  That's exactly what the fuck it is.  Quel dommage.

It's not like that's the only pooch that once-great director Robert "Romancing The Back To The Future Who Framed Gump Away" Zemeckis screwed with Allied.  The movie opens in Casablanca with characters going out of their way to mention that that's where they are and with Cotillard and Pitt stopping by a cafe that looks suspiciously like some American named Rick might own it.  Hey, Bob.  The next time you're trying to sell ice cream cones full of frozen puke, try not to do it in front of a Baskin Robbins.

A fake love story.  A fake connection to a classic film.  And shot in craptacular Fake-O-Vision!  Seriously, I'm not sure how Zemeckis managed it, but every room looks like a sound stage, every person looks like an actor, every car ride looks like nothing but green screen, and even Pitt's face looks like it was digitally airbrushed into Silly Putty.

Allied, the first WWII movie that'll have you rooting for the Nazis.

March 18, 2016  New video release review rather than new theatrical release review because Cinemavenger will reign for a thousand years!