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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Alien: Covenant


Dear Sir Ridley Scott,


Please stop.  If you want to keep Producing, fine.  The first season of Taboo bought you that much good will, but for the love of peat moss and soaked panties leave the Directing duties to the young bucks.  You know, guys in their 50s and 60s.  You're a cunt hair away from 80 years old, you crumpet muncher, which means you're a tea time or two from knock, knock, knocking on brother Tony's door.


You've had a phenomenal run!  You made the single best Philip K. Dick adaptation ever, Blade Runner.  You crowned yourself King of the Sword and Sandals with Gladiator.  You did more for feminism than Simone de Beauvoir standing atop a mountain of burnt bras with Thelma & Louise.  But let's face it.  You haven't made a good film since 2001.


Back in 1979, when you were a wee babe of 42, your - well, if we're being honest, your and Giger's - Alien was a genre-defining nightmare machine.  Like the facehuggers it introduced to a terrified world, Alien spawned Cameron's awesomeplosion, Aliens, Fincher's would-be series requiem, Alien 3, and Jean-Pierre Jeunet's, um, French Alien: Resurrection.


That's why people cheered when you returned to the Land of Xenomorphs with 2012's Prometheus.  Until they saw it, that is.  You may not be able to hear someone scream in space, but I'm sure as cameras in a casino that you heard the unmistakable sound of audiences and critics alike taking a giant, Taco Bell shit on, by far, the worst Alien movie ever made.


So what does your senile ass do?  Make Prometheus 2 and call it Alien: Covenant.  It's not as shitrocious as Prometheus, but it's bad enough that people in my theater were sniggering most of the time and laughing out loud at what were obviously supposed to be serious bits.


Given how unfathomably fucktarded the scientists in Prometheus were, it's harder than a Viagra addict to believe that the colonists in Alien: Covenant are even dumber.  They split up the second they step foot on a mysterious, uncharted planet.  The ship door that "must be kept locked" is left barn door open.  The crew trusts a clearly disturbed android who lives in the middle of a literal field of corpses.


When Alien: Covenant finally manages to build an infinitesimal amount of momentum, it stops dead to have one android teach another android (both Michael "Too" Fassbender "For Love") how to play the recorder.  That moment loses the Most Likely To Sink Your Movie award by a nose to the scene a few minutes later in which the two androids share an awkward kiss. 


Yeah, that was one of those "serious" bits people couldn't stop laughing at.  About the only thing Alien: Covenant gets right is killing off James Franco's character before he can open his fucking mouth.


Kisses,

Cinemavenger