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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


A Simple Favor


What happens when the chubby chaser responsible for the fuckrendous, all-female Ghostbusters remake tries his hand at a vagicentric comedic thriller?  You get A Simple Favor.


I guess we should just be happy A Simple Favor doesn't star some allegedly (but totally not) hilarious fat chick, because director Paul "More Cushion For The Pushin'" Feig has an obvious fetish for that particular type of actress.  Of the eight movies he's produced and/or directed since 2011, five have starred either Melissa "Joe" McCarthy or Amy "20%" Schumer - so named because she's only really funny about 20% of the time.


At least Feig upgraded the T&A in ASF by casting two of Tinseltown's tastiest tidbits, Blake "Mrs. Ryan Reynolds" Lively and Anna "Propeller" Kendrick - so named because she's small enough that you could actually spin her around on the end of your cock like the sexist propeller this side of WWI.


Stephanie (Kendrick) is what would happen if the Mormon Tabernacle Choir ran a train on Martha Stewart.  She's a pathologically straight-laced single mom - she doesn't even curse - who vlogs about recipes and crafts.  Emily (Lively) is a high-powered, hard-drinking fuck of a mother who swears like a sailor with Tourette's.


When Emily goes missing, Stephanie goes all Shirley Holmes as she investigates what happened to her bestie.  That, right there, is A Simple Favor's first fatal flaw.  These bitches have only known each other for a couple of weeks when Emily disappears.  How in the minivan and white picket fence fuck can they be best friends?!  Answer:  they can't.


It's kinda like, how can you expect to collect the life insurance payout after faking your own death if the beneficiary of the policy isn't your accomplice?  Answer:  you can't.


Or, and I'm just spitballing here, how can your movie not suck a big bag of suburban schlong when one minute it's a murder mystery, the next it's a mismatched buddy comedy, and the next it's a secret-filled family drama?  Answer:  it can't.


Hey Feig.  Do us all a simple favor and start making better fucking movies.


September 21, 2018