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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

A Quiet Place Part II

Fucking Covid. Before the Rona rolled in, my faithful readers could count on a review of the latest new release every week. Now, first-tier new releases are harder to come by than a sane stripper, and even when they do show up it's not like I'm going to sit in a movie theater to watch them. The anti-vax nutjobs-spurred surge saw to that. And the fact that you can't eat popcorn through a mask.

So, here we are again with a "streaming new release" review. It's the sequel to 2018's unexpected horror hit, A Quiet Place, and in a dismal lack of creativity it's called A Quite Place Part II. Not even A Quieter Place or A Quiet Riot?

The first movie was set some months after big, bastardy aliens invaded Earth and started killing every human in sight. Well, not in sight, as such, because the aliens are blind and use super hearing to track their prey. That's why anyone hoping to survive has to be very, very quiet or risk getting torn limb from limb by the Skellington-Bugs spawn.

A Quite Place Part II starts off as a flashback prequel before becoming a legit sequel. The movie opens on Day 1 of the invasion and shows us how dad Lee (John "Krazy" Krasinksi), mom Evelyn (Emily "Hit That" Blunt), and kids Regan (Millicent "Richard" Simmonds), Marcus (Noah Jupe "There It Is"), and their younger brother who SPOILER didn't make it through the first 10 minutes of the original movie, survived the initial onslaught. The answer, it turns out, was by dumb fucking luck.

Fast forward to the present. With SPOILER dad dead at the end of the first movie, Evelyn is trying to keep her two remaining children and her newborn baby alive. Why the fuck on Earth would you have a baby during an attack by creatures that hunt by sound? That remains the biggest hole in a plot that consists entirely of "survive alien invasion." 

Not that it's the only plot hole. Where did they get the literal tons of sand they'd need for their "quiet paths?" Once they accidentally create a sonic weapon against the aliens, why don't they use it all the time instead of only once in a while? When Cillian "Peaky" Murphy has a noose around his neck and a knife in his hand, why doesn't he just cut the fucking rope and free himself?

August 6, 2021