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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

A Bad Moms Christmas

Ain't nothin' politicians love more than declaring war on shit.  And why not?  War is fun and profitable . . . if you're lounging in your mansion watching Halliburton's stock price soar.  Plus, war always works.  Even the no-Congressional-declaration-required kind.  Take the decades-old War on Drugs.  It kicked so much ass that drugs and drug-related crime are things of the past, and prisons aren't overflowing with people popped for petty possession offenses.  Hoorah!

Why should the professional ruling class have all the fun?  I'm declaring a War on Thanksgiving!  And by declaring I mean pointing out.  It's already on like Rae Dawn Chong in a thong.  The War on Xmas has bagged its first kill, and it's poor, ol' Thanksgiving.  The Butterball's been balled, because Xmas now starts the day after Halloween.  Turkey Day done got squozen.

That's right, the first lump of coal of the new and bemused, longer-than-a-horse-cock Xmas season, A Bad Moms Christmas, plunked into theaters on November 1.  If this is what Xmas has in store for us this year, I'm gonna need Clarence, Cindy Lou Who, post-Ghosts Scrooge, Rudolph, Frosty and the Jolly Fat Man himself (Santa or Kevin Smith) to keep me from hanging myself with Xmas lights beneath the mistletoe.

Of all the many things Cinemavenger is thankful for, not having seen Bad Moms is surprisingly high on the list.  Am I worried that somehow A Bad Moms Christmas would be better if I had?  Not a fucking chance.  I'd bet my left jingle ball that the sequel would still suck more reindeer dong than that beastiality-lovin' bitch, Mrs. Claus.

Three friends and mothers, Amy (Mila "Vanilla" Kunis), Kiki (Kristen "Liberty" Bell) and Carla (Kathryn Hahn "Shot First"), are fed up with doing nice things for their families, so they decide to "take Xmas back" by . . . and that's where the sleigh goes off the rails.  They all still decorate trees, buy gifts for their kids, cook Xmas food and plaster their houses with Xmas lights.  The only "bad" thing they do is get drunk at the mall and dry hump Santa.  Not exactly Caligula.

Then their mothers show up.  Susan "GMILF" Sarandon plays Carla's former roadie, stoner mom.  Cheryl Hines "57" plays Kiki's insanely clingy mom.  And Christine "Subatomic Blonde" Baranski plays Amy's ice queen bitch of a mom.  And all hell completely fails to break loose.

Thanksgiving died for this?  Fuck A Bad Moms Christmas!

November 10, 2017