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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

21 Bridges

As if 2020 wasn't enough of a dumpster fire, I go to Home Depot the other day excited to see one of the gigundous skeletons the Interwebs have been going crazy over, and there isn't a single one in the store. Not only that, but the Halloween section covers about 20 square feet, and it's surrounded by more than 1000 square feet of goddam Xmas decorations . . . a month before Halloween!

What the actual fuck?! Ol' Cinemavenger is the Allied Forces Commander in the War on Thanksgiving, and listen up you humps; we're losing ground faster than N'awlins during hurricane season. We must fight Xmas creep at Home Depot. We must fight it at Target. We cannot rest until we've reestablished Thanksgiving as the beachhead. "Xmas shall not pass Turkey Day!" we must shout from autumn leaf-covered rooftops and seldom-used dining room tables lest Thanksgiving get squozen out of existence once and for all.

Which reminds me, RIP Chadwick "Wakanda Forever" Boseman. You were one hell of an actor, and your career was just taking off. Black Panther's last feature turns out to be a cop drama called 21 Bridges. It's 100% Boseman's baby and thus a fitting tribute to his non-supersuited cinematic legacy.

A couple of criminals go to steal 30 kilos of cocaine only to stumble onto 300 kilos and a bunch of cops instead. The crooks get away, and many of the cops get dead, which triggers Boseman's criminal-killing copper, Andre Davis, to go on a big game style manhunt. He closes all the bridges, tunnels, and ports leading off of Manhattan to keep the bad guys from rabbitting, and the net instantly begins to tighten.

All the cops who want the cop killers dead rather than arrested love that Davis is on the case. After all, he's shot eight bad guys over the past nine years, so he's the trigger man for the job, right? Only once Davis gets into the shit, he quickly starts to wonder if bad cops are as much to blame for the situation as bad guys.

21 Bridges gives us a classic Keith "Mr. President" David head fake, a typically meaty supporting role for J.K. "Parker!" Simmons, and reintroduces the world to Sienna "Edie Lives" Miller. It spectacularly fails to read the room when it comes to justifying the bad cops' actions, but it ends up being a good - if not great - sendoff for Boseman.

October 9, 2020