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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

10 Cloverfield Lane

John "Mark It Zero" Goodman is one fat motherfucker.  Not chubby or husky.  Not big boned or rotund.  Humpback whale fat.  Drought and famine resistant fat.  Makes Gabourey Sidibe look like Kate Moss fat.

Goodman has never been what one would call svelte, but in 10 Cloverfield Lane he looks like he ate three Jonah Hills.  His screen-filling gut and wagging neck wattle are by far the scariest things in this alleged horror movie.

The title and the fact that J.J. "Sawed Off Spielberg" Abrams produced it make it seem like 10 Cloverfield Lane is in some way related to Abrams' 2008 Godzilla-from-the-perspective-of-the-fleeing-screaming-pointing-humans found footage flick, Cloverfield.  It's not.  It has absolutely nothing to do with Cloverfield - even though it easily could have and would make more sense if it did.  But no, it's just another patented Abrams fake out, and those are getting pretty fucking old.

Never forget:  "Trust me!  We've got Lost all planned out.  I promise the island isn't really just purgatory."  Or how about:  "No.  Seriously you guys!  Benedict Cumberbatch isn't playing Khan in Into Darkness."

Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Goodman's Howard is like Milton from Office Space if he were a doomsday prepper.  Believing that some disaster/invasion/giant fart monster has poisoned the air, Howard is holed up in his survival bunker.  Emmett (John "Poor Man's Jason Sudeikis" Gallagher, Jr.), some dude who helped him build the place, and Michelle (Mary "Queen" Elizabeth Winstead), some chick who crashed her car nearby, are Howard's "guests." 

Whether Howard is an awkward savior or a loony tunes maniac is the only question 10 Cloverfield Lane asks.  The answer, it turns out, matters less than a macrame condom.

Here's what passes for characterization in this shit show.  Howard is fat and creepy.  Emmett is a dumbass with a busted arm.  Michelle is plucky and hot, both of which are communicated primarily by her white tank top, the go-to wardrobe choice for tough chicks. 

Abrams has made a career out of ripping off other, better movies.  Here, he has Winstead, who played Lucy McClane in the last two Die Hards, crawl around in a ventilation duct and crack jokes about it just like dear old movie dad.  When he's not aping Die Hard, Abrams is busy filing serial numbers off of everything from Misery to Signs.

Fuck, man!  If you're going to steal ideas, at least steal good ones!

The biggest mystery about 10 Cloverfield Lane is how it managed to get a 91% rating on Rotten Tomatoes.

Oh, wait, that's no mystery.  People are fucking idiots.  Uh-doy.

March 13, 2016