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The Chive


I suppose it was only a matter of time before zombie movies got the social media treatment. Judging by #Alive, we'll need a fuckload more time before someone does it right.

When the zombie apocalypse happens in South Korea, a 20-something year old kid, Oh Joon-woo (Ah-In "Pitch Some" Woo), is stuck in his family's apartment all alone. Well, physically alone. He's still connected via any number of social media platforms, and his TV still works . . . until he destroys it during a temper tantrum. Still, it only takes the little bitch two weeks before he's so depressed he's contemplating suicide. Cry me and everyone else who's been social distancing for eight months due to Covid a river, you fucking pussy.

Before he tries to kill himself, he ventures out of his totally safe apartment into a world of 28 Days Later sprinting zombies. Because he's not only a pussy; he's a cargo freighter full of dumb. Although it's physically impossible given the space defined by the movie, he somehow makes it back home. You know, so he can get back to his suicidal swan song.

That's when he discovers that a conveniently age-appropriate and hot chick, Kim Yoo-bin (Shin-Hye "d" Park), is also hiding in her apartment across the street. Where he is basically the first half of Home Alone, all pizzas and binge watching without a care in the world, she's the second half of that "holiday classic" and has her place rigged up like she's a zombie-slaughtering Kevin McCallister.

He eventually uses his drone to send a rope across to her so that she can zipline some food over to him. Instead of, I don't know, sending the food to him using the drone. To the filmmakers' further discredit, it turns out to be a magical zipline. She can slide things over to him, and against all of the known laws of physics, he can also slide things over to her. This fucking movie literally doesn't know which way is up.

The moral of the story, and I'm not fucking with you in the least, is that social media is the best way to get your worthless ass saved in the event of a major catastrophe. Apparently #Alive was a co-production of the South Korean government and goddam Facebook.

October 23, 2020

Cinemark Cinemas


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