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   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


Gunpowder Milkshake

Gunpowder Milkshake is chick Wick. Actually, it's more chick Wick-lite, and it's another example of Netflix perfecting its formula, which is all about making money and not the slightest about making great movies. Surprising? Not unless you've never heard of the movie industry. Sad? You bet your big girl panties.

The big girls who satisfy Netflix's need for one or two big-name stars to Three-card Monte people into thinking that this time it will be different, this time it won't be another half-assed, instantly-forgettable, DTV flick, are Karen "Nebula" Gillan and Lena "Cersei" Headey as a pair of mother-daughter assassins. The grrl power - and star power - keep rolling with Carla "Goo Goo" Gugino, Angela "Badass" Bassett, and Michelle "Crouching Dragon" Yeoh mostly wasted in supporting roles.

How much does Gunpowder Milkshake bite on John Wick's dick? Gillan's Sam is a lone wolf, master murderer who's as calm and cool as she is collected. She works for a shadowy organization run by shady dudes. There's even a library staffed by Gugino, Bassett, and Yeoh where Jane Wick, I mean Sam, goes to get more guns and find safe haven from the bad guys for a while, just like the Continental. And Sam's mom, Scarlet, shows up out of the blue exactly when Sam needs her most.

Both movies have R ratings, but where the Wick flicks boast brutal fight choreography, this pussy-powered knockoff pulls its punches more often than not. There are a few hardcore moments, to be sure, but overall the fights are softer, shorter, and way less polished. Even more confusing, the characters bounce back and forth between saying words like "fuck" and their PG-13 equivalents like "fudge" for no fudging reason at all.

Like another recent sisters-are-killing-it-for-themselves tale, Birds of Prey, logic takes a few spa days in Gunpowder Milkshake. The best (or worst) example is during a huge gunfight in the secret assassins' library. We've been shown that there are guns and grenades and all manner of high-powered killing tools hidden throughout the place, so why in the name of Betty Friedan do our heroines chose to attack wave after wave of machine gun-toting bad guys with hammers, chains, and knives?

Hard as it is to believe, Gunpowder Milkshake is a cunt hair better than last week's Black Widow, but this milkshake won't be bringing many boys - or girls - to the yard.

July 23, 2021

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