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​No Time to Die


Would you like your martini shaken or stirred? Well fuck you, because No Time to Die is nobody's martini. It's a swizzled shit gimlet garnished with a used Band-Aid.


I don't care which Bond is your bond. You may love Connery's quiet cool, muscular machismo, and ultra-dry wit. Or maybe Moore's more upper crust, self-aware goofiness hoists your Union Jack. Brosnan's blend of the two might do it for you. Some of you might even consider yourself Team Dalton, although most people think his years were the lowest in Bond-dom. And to the one person out there who's all about Lazenby, fuck you you contrarian fuck.


The current, well "most recent" after No Time to Die, Walther-packing tough guy, Daniel "Jenny" Craig, divided fans when he debuted in Casino Royale, mostly because he was the first blonde Bond, and people are idiots. Craig nailed the surly assassin in that first movie. Since then, though, Craig's Bond has been let down by shitty script after shitty script.


Still, who could've dreamt that Craig's last turn at the wheel of the ol' Aston Martin would be - with zero doubt - the worst Bond movie ever? Not this Bond fan, that's for bleedin' sure. But know that it is, and know it with more certainty than the fact that every one of Bond's watches, pens, and butt plugs doubles as a laser, tracking device, poison dart shooter, or secret decoder ring.


The fact that No Time to Die features a Black woman as 007 has been hailed as progress against racism and sexism, which is a fucksense position to begin with. Those woke folks praising that filmic choice are going to be gobsmacked when they realize that she gives the retired-but-semi-reinstated-on-a-temporary-basis Bond his number back during the flick. And if any of them think that the next, actual Bond will be anything other than a dude, I've got a beautiful bridge in the center of London I'd love to sell them. Cheap.


The bad guy wants to avenge his family's murder. Which Bond had nothing to do with. And once he accomplishes said avenging, he decides he needs to . . . cue Pinky and the Brain theme . . . take over the world. Yawn.


No Time to Die is the most boorish and boringest Bond by far. Craig, and we, deserved better.


January 21, 2022


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