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Cinemavenger

   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


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​​​​​​​A Christmas Story


With Thanksgiving in the rearview, it's officially Xmas season. Time to bust out an ugly sweater and get your nog on. Those halls, and that asshole bully, ain't gonna deck themselves. You need to trim the tree and tree some trim, hang some lights and start some fights. Because the most wonderful time of the year is finally here, muthafuckas!


In honor of the holiday season, you get your first gift early, a Cinemavenger Xlassic Xmas review. And because I can't kick the shit out of Stewart's stuttering fuckery every year, let's dive into the annual nostalgia fest that is A Christmas Story.


You've almost certainly seen this movie. For fa-la-la-la-fuck's sake, they play it on TV for 24 hours over Xmas Eve and Xmas Day every year. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor and check it out. You're pretty much guaranteed to enjoy it. If you're one of the Scroogiest few who've seen it and claim not to like it, then you're heart is colder than a snowman's balls, and you can suck mine.


Released in 1983 but set in 1940, A Christmas Story is the most wholesome, joyous ode to the traditional Xmas of days gone by that also features greedy, selfish children, angry, exhausted parents, terrifying bullying, kids swearing, adults drinking, child abuse, casual racism, and one extremely sexy lamp. Those were the days!


​Ralphie Parker (Peter "Pan" Billingsley), a nine-year-old from Indiana, spends the entire movie trying desperately to make sure he gets a Red Ryder BB gun for Xmas. He asks his parents for one, but his mother is worried that he'll shoot his eye out. He uses a homework assignment to try to get some traction. He visits Santa at the local department store, but come Xmas morning (and shouldn't we all?), he's sweating it out like a hungover fat guy in a sauna.


This flick also sports a Flick getting his tongue stuck to a frozen flag pole, the Battle of the Leg Lamp, Xmas tree haggling, furnace fighting, Chinese turkey, and a literal what-the-fudge moment. All of which are fudging brilliant.


Crazy as it seems given that ol' Cinemavenger loves movies only slightly less than blowjobs, Cinemavenger's dad watches maybe one movie a year. Maybe. And yet, both the Old Man and I love A Christmas Story. That pretty much says it all. 


November 25, 2022


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