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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.


​The Marvels

Was it really just five years ago that Marvel blew the tits off of everyone with Avengers: Endgame? Because it feels a whole lot longer. Like some Einstein's ghost, event horizon time dilation craziness long. It just goes to show that, like an Alabama wedding, it's all relative.

I mean, what do you expect when you hit a grand slam with Endgame​ then strike out nine out of the next 11 times you step up to the plate? And that's just the movie plate. It gets so much worse when you remember that easily more than half the TV shows Marvel has puked onto Disney+ over the same time period have sucked more than a porn star at a gangbang.

All of which explains why, after years and years of heading to the movie theater nearly every week to see the latest new release, ol' Cinemavenger was more than happy to wait for The Marvels to swim its way into the streams, which it did this week when it washed up on the oil spill shores of the Mouse House's streaming service. And now that I've seen Marvel's latest flick, I can say with the certainty of a three-year-old that it isn't bedtime yet that anyone who paid theater prices - even without second mortgage expensive snacks - for The Marvels is a sucka-ass sucka.

Captain Marvel (Brie "Hee Hee" Larson) is back and sporting more resting bitch face than ever. You can't really blame director and co-writer Nia "Duh" DaCosta either, because even though Larson has shown herself to be a talented actress and extremely charismatic in past roles, the Marvel machine has succeeded almost entirely with making her Captain Marvel as warm and welcome as a death sentence.

The Captain is joined by Ms. Marvel (Iman "Caste System" Vellani) and Superhero To Be Named Later (Teyonah "Plaster Of" Parris). The three grrrls with powers have to stop an alien villain whose evil plan is as fleshed out as a skeleton. Along the way our heroines get to tearfully hug out their emotional issues, play with a bunch of cute, little kitty cats, and Captain Marvel gets not only a princess makeover but a handsome prince to sing and dance with. Gloria Steinem would be so proud.

What the fuck happened to you, Marvel? You used to be cool, man.

February 9, 2024

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