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The Chive


   The funniest, nastiest movie reviews anywhere.

Ghostbusters (2016)

Well slime my ass and call me Zuul.  Instead of a breezy comedy, the new Ghostbusters turns out to be a PhD thesis about why pissing, shitting, fucking humanity should be marched out to the cosmic barn and put out of its misery Old Yeller style.

When it was first announced that the 1984 original was being rebooted with all-female Ghostbusters, the Interwebs went nuts.  The criticisms lobbed from the blogosphere were immediately labeled "misogynistic."  While some of them absolutely were (Strike 1 against humanity: women-hating chauvinists), a lot of them were legitimate concerns about an unnecessary remake potentially ruining a much-loved franchise (Strike 2 against humanity: men-hating feminists).

After months and months of vicious name-calling . . . about a remake of a movie about fictitious people fighting ghosts (Strike 3 against humanity: priorities totally out of whack) . . . Ghostbusters finally arrived this week, and it took less than five minutes for it to make a queef joke.

At least we didn't have to wait any longer to know with Hitachi Magic Wand orgasm certainty that Director Paul "Melissa McCarthy's Pussy Plumber" Feig and the rest of the Ghostbusters crew didn't give a floating fuck about making a great movie; they just wanted some good, old-fashioned payback in the name of I Am Woman Hear Me Roar.  (Strike 4 against humanity: we're vengeful fuckers.)

Melissa "General" McCarthy, Kristen "Nintendo" Wiig, Kate "Avis" McKinnon and Leslie "Mrs." Jones are 2016's Ghostbusters.  They track to Aykroyd, Murray, Ramis and Hudson's characters, respectively.  Only without the fun bits, dry wit and any sense of enjoyment (except from McKinnon).

The XX Ghostbusters hire Kevin (Chris Hemsworth "Less") as their receptionist.  He's the stereotypical "dumb blonde" character traditionally played by a woman.  Get it?  And the four women, especially Wiig, ogle and objectify him incessantly.  Get it?!  Because turnabout is fair play.  GET IT??!!  (Strike 5 against humanity: we're petty bitches.)

Tits, dicks and hands down, the most fucked up thing about Ghostbusters - a movie all about "Sisters are doing it for themselves!" - is that Kevin, the token beefcake, is the funniest character.  And it ain't because Hemsworth is a better actor than the leading ladies.  His character is the only fucking one that's actually well written!  (Strike 6 against humanity: fucking up the seemingly unfuckupable.)

It's no secret that movies are usually only as good as their villains.  Ghostbusters' villain, Rowan North (Neil "Vyvyan, Rick and Mike" Casey), is barely in the movie at all, and his motivation boils down to "I was bullied."  I would LOVE to see an early draft of the script, because I'd bet you all the tampons at Tampax that North got reworked into a prototypical, pudgy, pasty Internet troll in response to the outcry against the gynocentric remake. (See: Strike 5).

So if you're on the fence about suicide and need a little push, Ghostbusters is just what Kevorkian ordered.

July 17, 2016